Of December

Scream by Edvard Munch

         December always makes me want to scream. All I want to do when the first of this month rolls around is hole up in my house until it's safely January 1st. I don't know when exactly I developed this aversion for the holiday season. I suppose I'm a bit of an oddball. Most Filipinos love the holidays - the noise, the hustle and bustle. I don't like noise. I don't like crowds. I don't like the hustle and bustle. I don't like Christmas carolers. I want nothing more than to curl up with a good book or a Criterion collection DVD and a cup of hot cocoa. It might also have something to do with the fact that I'm an agnostic and most of my family are church-going Catholics. My mother takes it as a personal affront when I express my dislike for going to church. It's just that I don't want to be a hypocrite. I don't believe in the whole thing, it would be hypocrisy for me to be there making the sign of the cross. I feel like an impostor. If there really was a God, I don't think he'd be too pleased having a non-believer amidst all the 'faithful'. But she makes me go anyway. I think Philosoraptor  got it right when he said,

          "Force can make a hypocrite, but not a convert."


         My friend Nancy Drew once accused me of being unhappy during the holidays as a direct result of everyone else's happiness - the polar opposite of schadenfreude, I suppose. This is not true, I love seeing other people happy... I just don't quite know how to be it myself. Whatever. This is just a holiday rant. 

          Merry Cristmas, Christmas Lovers and Haters!