Of Full Disclosure

Eric Fischl, 2001

        I think that if all singles adopted the regular practice of full disclosure it would spare both parties the aggravation of trying to decipher the other's motives. If intentions are clear from the very beginning, neither party is liable for (what would otherwise be) inevitable disillusionment. For example, upon seeing an attractive girl, a guy could walk up and say, 

        "Hi, I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but I think you're pretty hot and I would really like to (expletive) you, and if it's good, (expletive) you repeatedly. So if you're interested in the same, here's my number. If you're not interested and are completely offended, please don't slap me (my friends over there are watching) I just thought it was worth a shot."

        Or, as the case may be:

        "Hi, I'm looking to find true love and the future mother of my children, and I believe that between our equally ridiculous good looks, notable athletic ability, and your superior intelligence, our offspring would have a considerable genetic advantage over everyone else's little second-rate rugrats. Whaddya say we find out if you're the one to help me breed superior beings?" 

        Sure, it would take a little getting used to as people aren't generally accustomed to brutal honesty. But I think it would work out for the best in the long run. No confusion. No 'Does he want something serious or does he just want to f*** me?' No trichotillomania-inducing exasperation.  Less moping about in pajamas, eating Spam out of the can, lip-syncing to Sheena Easton on 96.3 W Rock, thinking 'Why hasn't he called? Huhuhu.'  (Just so we're clear, that is so not me...huhuhu.)

        See ya next time Full Disclosurists! (Yes, I made that word up.)