Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Endless In-Between

Has it really been three months since last I wrote? Well, in that time a couple of things have happened. I got a job, for one thing. Is it a dream job? A paycheck is a paycheck. And with it I've been able to sign the lease on my very first (self-funded) apartment. Is this cause to be happy? Definitely. Living with my brother and sister-in-law was pleasant enough for a time until it became varying degrees of unpleasant. 

So now I have 800 sq. feet of prime 3rd floor rental space which feels like so much more considering the only pieces of furniture I  have at the moment are a twin bed (a hand-me-down from family), a tv stand (with a little tv courtesy of my brother) , and a little wooden stool that I bought at that wonder of stores where you can buy ammunition right across from the milk and eggs - Walmart.

On the one hand it feels like I've finally taken a step in the right direction, a step forward. But sometimes I can't help but feel like I've moved across the world to do the same things I've always done - read in silence and stare out of windows at the people below. Only the names of the streets have changed. 

By far my favorite part of the apartment is the screened in patio from which I have a great view of the swimming pool below and to the right. To the left is a sand volleyball pit. Just beyond these is a man-made lake of the sort you get in every Florida apartment complex - pretty nonetheless, with throngs of ducks swimming about. And beyond that still is the apartment building across from mine. All framed by two tall trees that I've discovered is inhabited by a number of playful squirrels. 

It should feel like a step forward. But all I feel is dizzy from swimming in circles. Stuck in this no man's land between someplace forgotten and somewhere imagined, I'm trying to get there but it feels so far away and the transition feels interminable. Am I making any sense to you?

What of the wretched hollow, the endless in-between. Are we just going to wait it out? - Imogen Heap 

From a Year Ago...

 * I found this post buried among the drafts of half-formed ideas. It was written over a year ago in a fleeting moment of maturity. Just wanted you to know I'm still alive (some form of alive anyway...) How have you been doing?

I've decided to forgo with a long part III to the story of le garcon. Why? Because - of the four people who will read this post, three and a half will be gay men, and I realize how difficult it must be for you to summon any sort of concern for a random (heterosexual) girl's romantic misfortunes. But please realize that the trials and travails of the twenty-something looking for love are not bigoted.  Loneliness is no straight supremacist and makes no distinction between the perfectly straight, the perfectly gay, or people of whatever integer on the Kinsey (Sexuality Continuum) Scale. So we should have something else in common besides our mutual affinity for men.

While blog hopping I came across some interesting posts by people younger than me who seem to have experienced so much more than I have in terms of relationships and heartbreak. I read their entries written in tones of wisdom and sometimes cynicism, but never without a little optimism, and I wonder how I have gotten to this age and still feel like a child play-acting at being an adult. Although I do my best by way of mimicry, I feel like sometimes my naivete sometimes shows above my collar. 

I  just have a slow life learning curve. I suspect my psych evaluation would read: I.Q? Normal. Emotionally? Retarded. So in attempt to show that I have indeed learned something in my 25 years of living, here are just a few lessons learned in the year 2010

1. Just because you think you are hot shit, worthy of unmitigated respect, doesn't mean that every person you meet will treat you accordingly. Some people just don't seem to recognize (your value) and your deserving respect, or recognize it but then ignore it. 

2. If a guy only ever wants to hang out with you in the dead of night that is not a date. That is a booty call.

3. Don't allow anyone to treat you in a way that doesn't live up to the standard you've set. If you let them do it once, they'll do it again.

4. When in doubt, act in congruity with logic and reason.

5. No matter how much you value a priori knowledge (that gained through experience), sometimes it really is good to listen to the voices of reason (the voices of people with experience). I used to never believe anything anyone would say to me, (especially if their advice was anecdotal) because I had to subject every theory to my own mind. I had to see for myself. Sometimes, (lo and behold) people actually know what they are talking about. Who'd have thought.